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I’m tired of being tired…

Honestly, I’m tired all the time!!!! I mean I totally understand that I’m going to be tired when I barely sleep… but that’s not the case!!! The word tired doesn’t even do how I actually feel justice. I’d say that it’s more exhausted than anything.

Maybe you understand what I’m talking about. Maybe you’ve done it too! I mean those 5 letters… that one word… is the easiest way to explain it. I know I’M totally guilty of it. Just answering with “I’m tired” or “just tired” (or any variation of it)… really is the easiest way to answer when someone asks me how I’m doing. But I’m probably actually tired only 10% of the time! 

I’m lethargic. I’m exhausted. I’m depressed.

Most of the time, I have to talk myself into getting out of bed. Actually, I have to talk myself into doing most things. To eat… to shower… to get a book… to do laundry… you name it and I’ll be tired already. It’s rare nowadays for me to feel like I’m a woman with a plan. 

Maybe this is weird…. but I miss the person I was before all of this. Such a go-getter. If I wanted something, I would work for it. If I wanted to do something, I wouldn’t wait for anyone to join me or help me.

….now I ask myself how badly do I want it? Can it wait until tomorrow? Can it wait until it’s sunny outside?

I think I remember reading somewhere that cats sleep for like 16 hours a day… that’s good news for me because Nala is more than willing to stay in bed with me for a long time…

Snow day

I love it when it snows – the bigger the flakes the better! Snow makes me happy and I love how you can still see at night because of all the snow! Of course I only like it when I’m inside looking out… all comfortable… in my pajamas…. while drinking coffee and only when the snow is fresh! Yeah… you got me. I super-really-majorly dislike being cold!!

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I wonder if we’re going to have a white Christmas this year… it’s been so long since it snowed on Christmas Day.

To my 8-year-old self

It may not seem like it now, but it will get better. Trust me. You just have to stay strong like I know you can. The children you’re going to be surrounded with in the next couple of years just don’t know. I know that it is difficult and that you will cry to yourself quietly during recess and lunch. I know that it is difficult to leave a place you grew up in and move to a different country – but you have to stay strong. I know that in the next school you are going to move to, you’re going to try and fit in, you’re going to be a follower even though I know you hate every minute of it. I wish we both knew better. I know that it will seem like the longest 5 years ever – to be a follower, to try anything just so that you are not bullied, but it will be better.

Something will click after that. You will grow tired of being a follower. You will become independent. And it will feel so good. In high school, you will find people who like you for you. You will dance your heart out. You will choreograph your heart out. You will leave a mark at your school and it will feel great. You will ace your classes without effort. It’ll feel nice but our lessons don’t end there. You will learn that a lot of people just talk. There will come a time in your life when everything changes. Don’t be afraid though. Throughout those changes, we grow. Those changes helped shape us into the woman we are today. You’ll have to grow up quickly – but that’s okay.

I wish we knew back then what I know now. I wish you hadn’t taken that knife to your palm to carve along your palm lines. I wish we wouldn’t have punched all of those walls and mirrors and doors. I wish we weren’t so sad all the time. I wish we weren’t so angry all the time. The therapist will help – she’s awesome. Continue for as long as you need to – you’ll miss her once she’s gone.

I know you’ll want to experiment. But all I would say is dive into your stories. Dive into your books. It’s a great way to escape all the pain. Keep writing. We’ve always loved to write and our therapist helped us truly see that. Reading and writing helps. Never stop.

I know that you are afraid to be alone. Don’t worry. Trust me when I tell you, he’s waiting for you. When you find each other, it will be true.

Love yourself. Please see how beautiful you are. You are smart. You are kind. You are amazing. You are beautiful. Love yourself.

– M

We laid him down to sleep….

We named him Popcorn because every time he became scared, excited or mad puffs of fur would be seen flying! We got him from Petsmart 19 years ago! Yeah… I called him Old Man Cat (….don’t ask).

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It was just this year when we started noticing the changes: he was losing weight, not as energetic, he was sleeping more and more, and he started to have problems with this hind legs. We took him to the vet when he started to lose weight and have a hard time walking. The vet suggested we try to feed him bisque and maybe he’ll gain a little bit of weight. But because he is a senior cat his organs are starting to shut down. The vet also gave him a shot so that he can walk and it was great for a couple of months! Then he needed another shot…

Mom didn’t want to put him down yet… I think she wanted a last Christmas with him. Popcorn was still able to walk, he wasn’t crying in pain, he was eating his bisque and drinking lots of water.

Five days ago… he started meowing in pain. He wasn’t eating anymore and wasn’t drinking (he kept trying to eat and drink but for some reason he couldnt). So my mom and I took him to the vet. It was upsetting for sure… more for my mom and R.

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At least he is no longer in pain. He gets to spend Christmas with my Papa.

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Goodnight, Popcorn…